that is the only reason i can rationalize from what had happened. my heart died the moment you said the words, or the time that i guessed what you were going to say. But i’m not shitting around, this sounds so freaking cheesy, and i am so hating my self for blurting it out in the cyber world, like its not bad enought that those words actually came from my head.
Am i gonna end this between us? it’s like hanging on to a string made of feathers for my life. its like there’s no point in still holding on since it will never end up serving the purpose you had in mind, the one it is supposed to be. but you wouldn’t dare letting go either, even if its only hope that’s letting you stay. shit.
That question has been around for some time now. I see many reasons why I should. but what keeps me holding on? If the only thing that keeps us together is the trust i had in you; the belief that it will only be me in your heart… if that reason gets blown out, just like that, then what’s the point? shit (said it twice already. i think. sorry). Not once, did i let anybody create a gap between us. i had my lapses too. but never did any of those get enough value to do any significant damage in our relationship.
What’s this in my head? am i giving up? but giving up what? was i just sugar coating? living in a fantasy, a night time novela? was it really there? the love we so endlessly confess to each other? the dreams that we built, were they from thin air?….
but still… i think i just want to hold on to the memories, the good times. who doesn’t? and with this serperation anxiety that i utterly suffer from. it’s really gonna be hard to let this relationship go.
do i love you? i don’t know. its easy to say i do. i could have done that, just bring me a few days back. but now. i don’t know anymore. i don’t know anything. urgh.
For the first time, as far as i can remember, i am thankful for having a brother. just exchanging SMS with him is enought to pull me through this night ( with some help ofcourse of something i’d pick up from the store later on my way in). i got a little strenght that i need to nourish. i’ll work on that. i just hope this does not ruin my performance at work. attitude is very important.